ON: BATTLESHIP (2012)

It seems to be that whenever I realise that I can’t only review my favourite A-grade movies and I have to throw some crappy ones in there too, I think of Taylor Kitsch movies. *crying tears*

Battleship is a military sci-fi action film directed by Peter Berg and starring Taylor Kitsch, Brooklyn Decker, Alexander Skarsgard, Rihanna, Liam Neeson and more! In the film, a US navy fleet (and some rival Japanese sailors) are the only obstacle between an alien invasion and global extinction.

Pre-movie thoughts:

• So uh, I didn’t know Rihanna was in movies. Eek.
• Peter Berg is responsible for Patriot’s Day, Deepwater Horizon, Lone Survivor and basically a bunch of the more decent Mark Wahlberg movies in the past few years. So Battleship definitely has potential as a big-budget blockbuster.
• The movie is actually named after the board game Battleship. I repeat, the pencil and paper game Battleship that we all played on rainy days back in the 80s (i.e. never). So it looks like just more Transformers-esque Hasbro merchandising ops. Plus an alien invasion. And military subplots. And Taylor Kitsch. Loooooong sigh.

ON: NOW YOU SEE ME (2013)

Now You See Me is a heist-thriller-I-guess directed by the French Louis Leterrier and stars an ensemble cast of Jesse Eisenberg, Mark Ruffalo, Woody Harrelson, Dave Franco, Isla Fisher, Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman and Melanie Laurent. The plot follows the Four Horsemen, a group of illusionists/magicians who pull off a series of heists masked as illusions. This pits them in a cat-and-mouse game with FBI agent Dylan Rhodes and Interpol agent Alma Dray, who are determined to bring them to justice.

Pre-movie musings:

• I *love* magic. I even practise magic tricks sometimes. And magic movies (The Prestige!!!) are the best. So I”m kind of looking forward to this?
• Let me IMDB this director for a mo… okay, he’s reponsible for the first 2 Transporter movies (eye roll), the Incredible Hulk (half-hearted shoulder wiggle) and Clash of The Titans (projectile vomit). Not sure what to expect here.
• What a great cast. I’m a big fan of Mark Ruffalo and Jesse Einseberg, Woody Harrelson is always great aha, and Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman together in one movie whoo! This had better be somewhat decent.

ON: JOHN CARTER (2012)

Just a quick one for New Year’s!

John Carter (of Mars) is based on the popular Barsoom books by Andrew Rice Burroughs in the first half of the 20th century. It stars Taylor Kitsch in its titular role, as well as Lynn Collins, Ciaran Hinds, Willem Dafoe in its supporting.

The film tells the story of Carter, a veteran sometime in the 1800s who inexplicably wakes up on Barsoom (Mars) where he can jump (sak) due to the lower gravity, for which he is imprisoned by the Tharks, four-legged green Martians. He is then pulled into an epic conflict between warring kingdoms of Barsoom, involving a princess pitted against her would-be husband, the leader of the Red Martians.

ON: PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES (2017)

This is the 5th film in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, in which each new installment has degraded considerably in quality since about the first movie. 😀 I did not have high expectations for this (did anybody?) but I saw it anyway for the same reasons as everybody else who contributed to the near 800 mil box office – Johnny Depp, and because it’s Pirates of the Caribbean am I rite?!

Dead Men Tell No Tales is directed by Joachim Ronning, mostly responsible for foreign language films, and once again produced by Jerry Bruckheimer. Johnny Depp, Geoffrey Rush and others reprise their roles, with newcomers including Brenton Thwaites, Kaya Scodelario and Javier Berdam! In the film, Jack Sparrow returns when ghost pirates led by Captain Salazar (Javier Berdam) escape from the Devil’s Triangle hell-bent on vengeance and killing every pirate at sea. Jack must find the Trident of Poseidon with Carina Smyth (Kaya Scodelario) and Will’s son Henry (Brenton Thwaites) and you know the rest…

ON: KINGSMAN: THE GOLDEN CIRCLE

Kingsman: The Golden Circle is the much-awaited sequel to the first Kingsman film in 2015, which *spoiler alert* I was a big fan of. You can read about my thoughts on that here.

The Golden Circle is an action-adventure-spy-comedy-I’m-not-sure-what-to-call-this-thing, with Matthew Vaughn returning to direct, co-write and co-produce. In the film, evil drug empiress Poppy (Julianne Moore) destroys all Kingsman facilities and – well, y’all saw this in the trailer already. It centres around the only remaining Kingsmen, Eggsy and Merlin, who head to Kentucky and encounter the (American) spy organisation Statesmen – Channing Tatum, Jeff Bridges, Pedro Pascal and Halle Berry! They must band together to defeat the Golden Circle and save the world… again.